Today is the toughest day of the year,
7 years ago on this day, I lost my Grandad. My world completely collapsed and I’ve not been right since, nothing has. He was my greatest inspiration in life, he held together his family, was loved by everyone, had a successful career and even if things were tough he kept it together. Nobody who knew my Grandad had a bad word to say about him, except maybe that he was very stern and set in his ways, but towards his grandkids like me? He was the funniest and best grandfather any of us could ask for.
People say that over time it gets easier, but how can it be if you lose someone who meant everything to you?
I miss my Grandad everyday and I really hope that I make him proud one day.
I love you David Mcaleer, can’t believe it’s another year without you.
I know I’m not perfect, I never even pretend, but for the first time in my life, I’ve met someone and have the pleasure of loving and spending time with someone that see’s passed it. He see’s passed my insecurities, passed my silly ways and actually gives a damn about me, even loves me.. I feel lucky, really really lucky!
Off to lab, gonna be all happy and shit cause I’m in Max’s class and he just sits and takes the piss outta me whenever I’m unhappy. But really, I feel fucking horrible and I feel soo sick :(
Going to see my councillor on Monday, not been since this time last year, so I guess I’ve been doing good.
The reason I’m going is that within the next month every year I get really low and usually drift from everyone and everything, this year I have soo many important things in my life and I don’t wanna jeopardize losing any of it!
It gets easier every year to cope since my Grandfather passed away, but it’s still horrible, especially near to the anniversary.
Had the best weekend I’ve had in a long while, I finished my exams on Friday and am now pretty much stress free besides a bit of family bother. I spent Friday night drinking with one of my closest friends, my Momma and Gary then headed to Catty to get Sarah & Nessa. I had such a good night with Callum, John, Mo, Nessa, Sarah, Danny & Matt :) and for the first time since I got spiked, was to put it kindly, fucking obliterated :’)
The rest of the weekend I spent with my lovely boyfriend, Duncan :) we went a long drive up to Oban and it was lovely all snowy and stuff. Although I love it when we’re around friends and stuff, being alone with him this weekend and relaxing was amazing! I’m really lucky to have him, more so than I let on sometimes
I went to visit my Great-Grandmother yesterday for the first time in ages, she has Alzheimer’s and has told us not to come up and see her everytime we’ve asked before for like a year. When we walked in she didn’t know my name, the worst thing in the world is being forgotten by someone you were soo close too growing up and someone you looked up to.
I’m actually heartbroken, I’ve been lucky enough so far in my life never to have been close to someone with the disease so I don’t think I really knew what to expect.. This strong and amazing woman, not remembering anything, wearing away to nothing.
I know I’m really lucky that I even got to meet her, most of my friends don’t even know their grandparents nevermind Great ones, but she’s amazing.
the only thing getting me through tomorrow was the fact that i’d see Duncan, but no ): i know it can’t be helped but i feel soo fucking suckish right now.
Fireworks at Dalmuir were pretty amazing :3
I’m growing more dependant on you as the days go by and it sucks, I can’t function without falling apart as soon as we have a slight bicker. Yesterday was horrible, I felt like you didn’t give a shit, all we’ve been saying lately is how we’ve barely seen each other compared to usual, yet you had a chance to spend your last day with me before you went away and you didn’t take it.
This week has made me feel soo uneasy, soo upset and also ill. I’m having breakdowns here, there and everywhere and it’s not like me at all. I’m not the person who gets into trouble, I’m not the person who can’t look after themselves and I’m certainly not the person who ends up in hospital. I’m soo unsure of everything right now, I didn’t think you would add too that list, I’ve liked you for soo long, idec if that makes me sound bad, I have. Now that we go out its amazing, it’s not like other things where it’s not as good as you expect, it’s perfect, you’re perfect which is why yesterday hurt me so bad ):
In a pure emotional Green Day mood, can’t wait for American Idiot tomorrow.
I hope to god Billie gets better :/ sucks to hear my hero being that bad.
Away to bed to listen to Insomniac till I fall asleep.
Do you know one of my favourite things about my life right now?
My anxiety has calmed down soo much, strangely enough since about April time it’s been gradually going away but now it’s pretty much vanished.
As cheesy and soppy as it sounds, I owe it all to my boyfriend, the way he sits and speaks to me about things, always looks after me and just always makes me feel comfortable is remarkable. I’m really lucky to have Duncan, not once have I took it for granted and not once have I let my past get in the way. My relationship is near enough perfect, well as perfect as it can be and I’m soo happy.